Evidence

Yesterday God showed up.


I awoke late from the midnight release of Marvel Vs Capcom 3 at the store and was too exhausted to go to the mens lunch Bible Study. I should have gone, but I felt like I could barely keep my eyes open, let alone move, so I decided to go ahead and sleep in.

Missing that spiritual boost for the day, I headed to work without consuming enough of God's Word first. So I was tired, cranky and spiritually hungry. I always ask God to bless the work of my hands and give me favor with my customers and manager, but without the preparation of my soul, I felt my words with God were shallow and without heart.

I went into work only to find us annoyingly busy. We had a ton of stuff to do and my heart and mind were not in the right place. Instead of looking at each customer as a good thing, I saw them as a nuisance. Customers who treated me flatly or ignored me when I spoke to them felt to me as if they were aggressively rude instead of just disinterested. I, of course, corrected their behavior with my own carefully calculated, jabbing comments which only furthered to hurt sales for the day effectively making me even MORE stressed out.

As I shift through this time of transition at the store, I'm trying to keep up high performance and numbers to guarantee the promotion I need so desperately, so yesterday felt like an attack on my entire immediate future.

As you can probably deduce, this was all in my head. My manager was in a good mood, the store was doing fine, my future was not in danger at all- I just had this overwhelming sensation that the world was attacking me and so I was seeing everything through that panicked lens.

At about 30 minutes to close when I finally had my break, I decided to just stop. Well honestly I believe God was yelling into my mind, telling me to stop, and I finally listened.

I realized in that moment of quietness that nothing else mattered. Not my store, not my job, not my annoying customers- just this. This quietness with God. After a few moments, He started recanting the following truths in my life;

I am a son of God,
I have a family who loves me no matter what,
I have been given this job,
my manager has already spoken to me about my promotion and likes me as a person,
the sales that I get are only temporary and all I can do is do my best,
and each customer is an opportunity to love a new person regardless of how they act.

I walked back out into the store feeling like a different person. Freedom from worry is one of the biggest blessings we have as
Christians and I don't choose to enjoy it enough. The rest of the evening was completely different. I had good customers, was in a good mood and actually enjoyed the rest of my time working.

But thats not where God actually showed up to me.

I got home and had been listening to a Mars Hill podcast about the Resurrection and was completely uplifted when I noticed on my phone that I had a message on FaceBook from a lady at church. Her note read that she "felt impressed by God to write to you tnight to tell you how much you mean to our church and my family." She continued on to encourage me in who I was and how she hopes God keeps me at Northside because of how much she loves me and knows God works through my life.

Somehow, a lady across the city that I only talk to one a week, felt I needed to be reminded of God's work in my life and wanted to encourage me at the EXACT TIME that I needed it. NO ONE KNEW I WAS HAVING A BAD DAY. I hadn't whined to anyone yet and somehow this lady said the exact words I needed to hear.

That's evidence of a real, loving, and really good God.

Florida. Who knew?

I figured I'd try and start this blog back up again. And no its not for you, the all important reader, but rather for me. I have decided I want to document my days, as boring as they might be, so that I can look back and track where my mind has been over the year. So while I hope someone would get something out of my words, It isn't important or necessary.

So today, Monday, Valentines Day 2011

As of lately, I have been thinking about my future often. My goal is to work here in Jacksonville until I have enough to move out west to Vancouver WA where a small film institute awaits my enrollment.

As I think through why I am moving, a large part of my heart says "because I want to live with and near my friends." Where this isn't a bad thing, I still find myself wondering is it the right thing?

I know I'm not "wasting my time" here. I have been privileged to speak several times, gain new leadership skills through work, increase my resume and build new relationships along the way. God has continued to show me his favor and work in my life and more of those moments and stories are worth a lifetime of waiting to discover, while its only taken me a few months.

The blessing of the constantly self analyzing mind I believe God gave has been both a light and a fog for guiding my decisions. I realize my true intentions for moving quite openly. I realize the value in that decision, and I realize the freedom I have to make that decision is part of the beauty of God's love.

But,

I also realize realize I can't live my life based on following those I love alone.

But...Can't I? Aren't relationships the only eternal thing we have in our life? Wont all my achievements, success, careers and financial gains die and fade away along with my body?

This is where I have landed: That maybe I want to live differently than my parents and the rest of America. Maybe forgetting about success for tomorrow and focusing on the gift of other people in my life today can be even more fulfilling than financial security and comfort.

Cops.

12:00am July 5th, 2010 Elizabethtown, Kentucky


103 helen lane


I get "pulled over" for having the light out above my license plate.

I'M IN MY DRIVEWAY.

That's right internets, I got "pulled over" in my own driveway. Which really, there is no way to "pull over" in that situation but rather I just... stopped.

No ticket was given and he wasn't a jerk or anything although he did ask me if I was drunk because I was driving slow... ONTO MY DRIVEWAY. But I guess there is a first for everything...

TRUE STORY.

BEND THAT AIR

So I went and saw Avatar the Last Airbender last night with the parentals and I have to admit I was a bit dissapointed. The musical score was probably the best feature of this film, but even amazing music couldn't penetrate the horrid acting of almost every character on the screen. It was one of those situations where you find yourself uncomfortable and embarrassed for the people on the screen.

You know what I'm talking about? Its like you feel compelled to look around and apologize to everyone around you for the movie itself. I found myself wanting to apologize to my parents for attending the movie with me because of how bad it was, but of course my parents typical response after the movie was "It was really good! I loved it!" Best line my Dad said afterwards was "It was cool to see him blow stuff around!" So the night was a success.

It was a fun movie and I did enjoy watching the Avatar "blow stuff around." I found myself afterwards wanting to do all the fluid arm and leg movements of the water benders. And although the concept of using air to hurt people sounds completely wussy, I have to admit after watching this movie, I now have second thoughts...

Man! If only I had the power to control the elements! Shew! I'd totally be using the power of air to do EVERYTHING.

Gotta sweep the house?

BAM. BEND THAT AIR.

Late for work?

BAM. FLY on that Bended Air, fool!

Need to free the world from the tyranny of the Fire Nation?

NO PROBLEM, HOMIE. BEND THAT AIR.

All I'm saying is that I can't think of many practical situations where the power to bend air wouldn't be useful.

I mean, can you?

Didn't think so.

Hey Internets, welcome to my world.

Oh its on now.

I got me a domain name and I'm 'bout to make this internet mine...

Dude, I gotta tell you something...

I believe I fight seasonal depression.

Not in a "its winter time so I'm depressed," kind of way, but in a periodical season kind of way.

Take for instance the last few weeks. For whatever reason, (I say this knowing full well many of the reasons) I recently have been on a downward slope of lacking mental and emotional confidence, joy, peace and motivation. This crazy emotional typhoon makes me think more and more that I am, in fact, a little girl. Fortunately this ridiculous emotional instability has begun to subside leaving the remains of my mind stunned, embarrassed and naked.

I think "what the crap just happened? Am I going through emotional puberty or something?"

Thankfully, my God has given me a very patient and loving girlfriend who forces me to figure out these emotional typhoons and loves me through it all, but it still does not keep me from feeling stupid after the fact.

Does anyone know what I am talking about?

You get overwhelmed one day with work or relationships and it just feels like its too much, so you shut down on the inside. You start to analyze your life to figure out "what needs to go, cause this isn't going to work." All the while, you separate yourself from those around you because the emotional energy required to be open with someone would mean you have to share the overwhelming stress or fear in your life. You don't want to do that because you 1)don't want to sound like an emotional basket case 2)feel you need to figure it out more before you share it or 3)you are afraid sharing it means you'll have to do something about it that is uncomfortable or confrontational. But because you don't open up, the problem grows to the size of a solar system in your mind with the help of your raging emotions. You have isolated yourself from your help system (friends) because you don't want to mess up your help system (the relationships with your friends). The only thing left to do is to do something drastic like cutting something or someone out of your life in order to relieve the stress. Inevitably you begin to cut away something or someone who is helping you in some facet because they are an easy target for your emotional release.

How backwards is that?

Moral of the story, if this is you or even remotely sounds like you, is Genesis 2:18.

"The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'"

For anyone who is like me and feels they have to "figure themselves out first," I strongly believe we were never meant to. We can explore the world, outer space, the ocean and the minds of others, but our own mind and hearts can only be unlocked and given freedom through the love of another -whether it be friend or spouse.

Trust me, I know. I hate trying to flush out what goes on in my head to another person. But every time I allow myself to be a part of a community and be open with that community (even with the hard things in my life), I find rest.

And that's what you are looking for, isn't it?

Rest.

So quit eating away at your own mind and take a lesson from a guy who is dealing with it also;

Cut yourself some slack and ask for help for once!

~Grace and Peace to you,
Mike

I need to do this.

I need help and I need to organize my thoughts.

I find myself failing in so many aspects because of my lack of discipline and yet my efforts to change that always seem to last temporarily. So many times I try to do something about it but never am able to follow through- or at least make a change long term. I just always fall back into the same patterns.

Even though I put alot of effort into figuring out new ways to conquer my lack of discipline; even though I am good about motivating myself and getting excited about changing my life for the better, I can't seem to keep a permanent change.

So I figured, I would write about it. Maybe this time I can at least document it.

Who knows, maybe it will work this time.