Dude, I gotta tell you something...

I believe I fight seasonal depression.

Not in a "its winter time so I'm depressed," kind of way, but in a periodical season kind of way.

Take for instance the last few weeks. For whatever reason, (I say this knowing full well many of the reasons) I recently have been on a downward slope of lacking mental and emotional confidence, joy, peace and motivation. This crazy emotional typhoon makes me think more and more that I am, in fact, a little girl. Fortunately this ridiculous emotional instability has begun to subside leaving the remains of my mind stunned, embarrassed and naked.

I think "what the crap just happened? Am I going through emotional puberty or something?"

Thankfully, my God has given me a very patient and loving girlfriend who forces me to figure out these emotional typhoons and loves me through it all, but it still does not keep me from feeling stupid after the fact.

Does anyone know what I am talking about?

You get overwhelmed one day with work or relationships and it just feels like its too much, so you shut down on the inside. You start to analyze your life to figure out "what needs to go, cause this isn't going to work." All the while, you separate yourself from those around you because the emotional energy required to be open with someone would mean you have to share the overwhelming stress or fear in your life. You don't want to do that because you 1)don't want to sound like an emotional basket case 2)feel you need to figure it out more before you share it or 3)you are afraid sharing it means you'll have to do something about it that is uncomfortable or confrontational. But because you don't open up, the problem grows to the size of a solar system in your mind with the help of your raging emotions. You have isolated yourself from your help system (friends) because you don't want to mess up your help system (the relationships with your friends). The only thing left to do is to do something drastic like cutting something or someone out of your life in order to relieve the stress. Inevitably you begin to cut away something or someone who is helping you in some facet because they are an easy target for your emotional release.

How backwards is that?

Moral of the story, if this is you or even remotely sounds like you, is Genesis 2:18.

"The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'"

For anyone who is like me and feels they have to "figure themselves out first," I strongly believe we were never meant to. We can explore the world, outer space, the ocean and the minds of others, but our own mind and hearts can only be unlocked and given freedom through the love of another -whether it be friend or spouse.

Trust me, I know. I hate trying to flush out what goes on in my head to another person. But every time I allow myself to be a part of a community and be open with that community (even with the hard things in my life), I find rest.

And that's what you are looking for, isn't it?

Rest.

So quit eating away at your own mind and take a lesson from a guy who is dealing with it also;

Cut yourself some slack and ask for help for once!

~Grace and Peace to you,
Mike

I need to do this.

I need help and I need to organize my thoughts.

I find myself failing in so many aspects because of my lack of discipline and yet my efforts to change that always seem to last temporarily. So many times I try to do something about it but never am able to follow through- or at least make a change long term. I just always fall back into the same patterns.

Even though I put alot of effort into figuring out new ways to conquer my lack of discipline; even though I am good about motivating myself and getting excited about changing my life for the better, I can't seem to keep a permanent change.

So I figured, I would write about it. Maybe this time I can at least document it.

Who knows, maybe it will work this time.